6 Wrong Ways to Do It Yourself

Home Improvement Projects Gone Bad
There seems to be an inverse relationship between my honey-do list and the amount of hair on my head -- as the list grows the hair goes. So, in an effort to staunch the flow of falling follicles, I resolved to get to work on two or three (hundred) projects, I've been putting off since Bush gave his first State of the Union speech.
If you're getting ready to start some home projects, avoid these handy-man (and handy-woman) blunders.

1. Poisoning Yourself with Cleaning Supplies

All those do-it-yourself guys tell us to start each project by cleaning the area. Why? We're just going to make a big mess anyway. Sadly, whether or not you cleaned before you start, you'll still have to clean when you're all done. No job really looks fantastic until it's sparkling. That being said, cleaning is dangerous. It would be terribly ironic to survive the use of power tools just to succumb to accidental tear gas emanating from the mixture of blue and pink stuff.

2. Poisoning the Whole Family

Won't the kids love long, hot showers after you install that new water heater? Of course, but all that love won't matter when they're in the hospital with headaches and nausea. Follow the manufacturer's recommendations to make sure you don't make anyone sick, and watch for symptoms of carbon monoxide poisoning.

3. Cutting Off a Foot...or a Whole Yard

I grew up on a farm. Until you've welded bailing wire to a pipe fence propped up by a 2x4 cut to length with a chainsaw, you can't fully appreciate the ways really dangerous power tools can be mistreated. Eye protection? We don't need no stinkin' eye protection!

4. Tipping the Ladder

I watched my neighbor put a stepladder on top of two chairs in the bed of his pickup truck, which was backed up to the front of his house -- all so he could hang Christmas lights. In emergency medical services, we call that job security.

5. Sticking Yourself with Broken Wood

Getting one of those giant six-inch-long redwood splinters in to your hand is a rite of passage when building your first backyard deck. I thought pulling it out without needing more than a shot of tequila was pretty manly -- until I watched a fisherman on TV pulling his own tooth with a pair of pliers.

6. Slipping Off the Roof

Standing on the roof and bending at the waist to lean over the gutters is only good if you're about to try a swan dive into the geraniums, which I wouldn't recommend. If you do see someone roll off the third-story rail-less balcony, call 911 immediately. Anytime someone falls more than three times his or her height, call 911.